I don’t have children, and I am in my early forties, which means I don’t plan to have any either. No, this does not mean I am a child-hater or some such thing. I love children, and actually I am the most favorite aunt of many of my friends’ and cousins’ children. It is just that I never felt any urge to have my own. People talk about ticking biological clock….somehow it never ticked for me. As a result, having a baby never seemed like a natural thing to do in my life. I am career-wise quite successful and being a mother would have meant making some big adjustments in my priorities, and I found no reason to do that. I was perfectly happy with my life and lacked nothing. And thus I reached my forties, without creating a “little me”.
However, the problem comes from the society. I am based in India and in my country the society is a conservative one. So “childfree” is actually interpreted as “childless”. And immediately you are flooded with sympathy from people. When I was younger, many people, after learning that I have no children, would encourage me to get medical help. Some relatives would even pass me contact details of some very good gynecologist they have heard of, who have helped lot of women like me. Yes, in a conservative society, where assumptions are rigid, boundaries are often not maintained. As I became older, thankfully these advises have stopped. Now I just get sympathy, heart-felt sympathy from people. I have actually learnt to accept it gracefully. I don’t feel any need to actually explain to these sympathetic and kind souls that I am really happy and miss nothing in my life. They would think I have gone crazy (for failing to become a mom by a certain age) or I am outright evil.
Having or not having babies should be an entirely personal decision. Specially for women, whose body is going to be affected by this decision in a major way. Even if there is no other reason, I can simply choose not to put my body through this extremely uncomfortable and painful process. Unfortunately, most people do not look at it that way and would actually find this point of view quite shocking. But in my opinion that is sheer ignorance on their part. I am not the only one, there are lot of women like me who feel no maternal instincts and would like to opt for a life without children. But they are often not taken seriously. Imagine a college-going girl, who announces that she would never ever become a mother. Elders are always telling her in a loving way, knowing way, that she would change her mind someday. Or suppose you try having a sterilization surgery when you are well-within your child-bearing age limit, and when you have not had any child yet. No doctor would do it for you.
It is funny that how reaction from the society would make an issue a big one. In my life for a long time, I have never really thought much about being or not being a mother. I was a very bright student all along and from a very young age I was completely focussed on my studies. Yes, I was a nerd. If I will get married, what type of husband I want, or if I will have babies, etc. were not the questions that would bother me even when I was in my early or mid twenties. Rather, I would sweat about my career options, whether I am making good use of my potential, how to move my position up the success ladder etc. I had lot of friends, had good amount of fun, but all along I was looking for a solid ground beneath my feet, just like other male friends I had in my circle. I met my husband while pursuing my career. However, as I reached my late twenties, early thirties, mid thirties, I was having to face questions like when I am planning to have children, if I already have any…..and slowly this became an important thing and my views on this issue became an important part of who I am. Funny, isn’t it?
My childfree choices allow me to live the life I want, I am able to travel, I am able to focus on my job that I am so passionate about, I am able to spend quality time with my husband. For many many friends of mine, whenever they land in this part of the world, their default place to stay is our home, because we have time for them, because our schedule is flexible. Particularly, those friends who have small kids, will definitely not stay anywhere else since the kid is so fond of us. In our extended family, if anybody is faced with some kind of medical emergency, we are the only people they can count on, since all others are so busy with their children. I am not trying to argue that my choice is better than somebody else’s who has children, I am just pointing out how this works for me.
I hope you are also happy with the choices you have made in your life. Those choices may be acceptable by the society, or may be frowned upon, but what matters is you are happy with your choices and don’t feel burdened by them, what matters is these choices are working out for you.
Please share your thoughts, your comments below.