When grief comes…and then comes again

I don’t know her so well….just greet her when I pass her on the street. She stays in our apartment complex. She had a husband and two young children. She seemed like a really competent mom, taking good care of all needs of her children, and she seemed like a very good wife also. She was a housewife and was fulfilling each role with sincerity, authenticity, efficiency, hard work. Then suddenly she lost her husband. In a heart attack, while he was working at office. Her life turned upside down. The life she had built on love, trust, hard work, the life that she was so happily living, suddenly seemed so hard.

People visited the family, offering condolence, offering help. Everybody told her to be strong, everybody told her she has to raise two children all by herself now and she has to be strong for them. The children look confused, both are still at school. One is as young as 7…does he even understand death? Why does he have to understand that at this young age? This child who just learnt to ride a bicycle few days back, now stares at all these visitors with wide, scared eyes. He had never seen so many visitors at their house and he had also never seen the house so quiet and silent. The elder child, who is about 13 or 14, seems stressed, zipped up.

The woman has to be strong. She has to be strong for her kids. She has to now fulfil the role of both parents, and she has to be up for the challenge. She perhaps has to find a job now. A career she had already sacrificed for her family once, now she has to build a career again for her family. People begin to notice her getting out of the house for buying grocery, for dropping the kids at school, for waiting for the kids at the school bus stop. She seems to be getting stronger, she seems to be taking charge of her life again.

But did she grieve? Did she get enough time to process her pain, her loss? Right now she is being strong, everybody is also encouraging her to be that way. She has to work hard to make things as normal for the kids as possible. It seems she already has been making some progress in that direction. Weeks have already gone by, months will go by, years will start going by. The kids will adjust, their life will be going on again. The younger one will perhaps not even remember much of these days, few years down the line.

But does she know, when she least expects it, after few years may be, she will suddenly be paralysed with grief all over again? It can come in the form of a dream, or some small incident, or some seemingly insignificant association, and it will simply take her down in its sudden and raw attack. And after all those years, she will be completely alone with this flood of grief. Right now she is moving on, trying her best to move on, trying to find her new normal and this uphill task is just keeping her busy. She is holding the position of strength for the kids now. They need her, no time to be weak now. She is helping everyone to tide over their grief. But her own pain, she has to handle completely by herself, when the world around her has truely moved on.

I know this because I was that woman once. After losing a very close family member, I became the most able person to take care of everybody around me. I was a source of strength for them, they counted on me, they could not go on without my constant assurance. While everybody was processing the grief in their own way, my level-headed behavior, my objective thinking helped them to anchor their lives again. I did not allow myself to be broken down and I was actually appreciated, praised for that.

After many years, the dreams started coming. They were based on something small but unmistakably connected to that person. These dreams jolted me and raised emotions in me which were shockingly intense. I was not aware that I had so strong emotions stored inside me, I thought I had moved on, I thought I had overcome the pain, only to realise that my wound was still so raw. But the hardest part was dealing with it alone. All others have (seemingly) moved on, managed to come to terms with the loss, except me, who was peering into the raw open wound for the first time and realising nothing has healed. My surroundings had also changed a lot by this time, I had moved away from my hometown, and was not staying with my family any more. My new surroundings were not connected at all to this family member I lost. This also made me think that the whole world has moved on without that person and I became even more lonely and isolated in my grief.

It took me a very long time to understand this pain, to admit that it is not perhaps going to go away completely ever, and finally I was able to release part of this pain through those dreams, those moments of vivid and paralysing sorrow. I came to realise I was at last grieving, and allowed myself to do that. I was able to accept those nights when I would wake up from a dream in a flood of tears. Slowly I learnt to get through those moments, when out of the blue something would remind me of some small details from my past along with the thought that since this person left my life, this is the First Time I am thinking of that particular detail. One would expect that when enough time has passed, there won’t be such “first times” anymore….but apparently there is a non-ending sequence of such “first times” and each stabs you sharply in your heart. But I finally learnt to take these moments, these thoughts head on and while they remained painful, I became okay with that pain.

I don’t know this woman in my neighborhood so well……I certainly can’t share these deeply personal things with her. But I silently wish her all the strength she needs to tide over this delayed grief that she may have to experience many years from now.

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Childless-Childfree

I don’t have children, and I am in my early forties, which means I don’t plan to have any either. No, this does not mean I am a child-hater or some such thing. I love children, and actually I am the most favorite aunt of many of my friends’ and cousins’ children. It is just that I never felt any urge to have my own. People talk about ticking biological clock….somehow it never ticked for me. As a result, having a baby never seemed like a natural thing to do in my life. I am career-wise quite successful and being a mother would have meant making some big adjustments in my priorities, and I found no reason to do that. I was perfectly happy with my life and lacked nothing. And thus I reached my forties, without creating a “little me”.

However, the problem comes from the society. I am based in India and in my country the society is a conservative one. So “childfree” is actually interpreted as “childless”. And immediately you are flooded with sympathy from people. When I was younger, many people, after learning that I have no children, would encourage me to get medical help. Some relatives would even pass me contact details of some very good gynecologist they have heard of, who have helped lot of women like me. Yes, in a conservative society, where assumptions are rigid, boundaries are often not maintained. As I became older, thankfully these advises have stopped. Now I just get sympathy, heart-felt sympathy from people. I have actually learnt to accept it gracefully. I don’t feel any need to actually explain to these sympathetic and kind souls that I am really happy and miss nothing in my life. They would think I have gone crazy (for failing to become a mom by a certain age) or I am outright evil.

Having or not having babies should be an entirely personal decision. Specially for women, whose body is going to be affected by this decision in a major way. Even if there is no other reason, I can simply choose not to put my body through this extremely uncomfortable and painful process. Unfortunately, most people do not look at it that way and would actually find this point of view quite shocking. But in my opinion that is sheer ignorance on their part. I am not the only one, there are lot of women like me who feel no maternal instincts and would like to opt for a life without children. But they are often not taken seriously. Imagine a college-going girl, who announces that she would never ever become a mother. Elders are always telling her in a loving way, knowing way, that she would change her mind someday. Or suppose you try having a sterilization surgery when you are well-within your child-bearing age limit, and when you have not had any child yet. No doctor would do it for you.

It is funny that how reaction from the society would make an issue a big one. In my life for a long time, I have never really thought much about being or not being a mother. I was a very bright student all along and from a very young age I was completely focussed on my studies. Yes, I was a nerd. If I will get married, what type of husband I want, or if I will have babies, etc. were not the questions that would bother me even when I was in my early or mid twenties. Rather, I would sweat about my career options, whether I am making good use of my potential, how to move my position up the success ladder etc. I had lot of friends, had good amount of fun, but all along I was looking for a solid ground beneath my feet, just like other male friends I had in my circle. I met my husband while pursuing my career. However, as I reached my late twenties, early thirties, mid thirties, I was having to face questions like when I am planning to have children, if I already have any…..and slowly this became an important thing and my views on this issue became an important part of who I am. Funny, isn’t it?

My childfree choices allow me to live the life I want, I am able to travel, I am able to focus on my job that I am so passionate about, I am able to spend quality time with my husband. For many many friends of mine, whenever they land in this part of the world, their default place to stay is our home, because we have time for them, because our schedule is flexible. Particularly, those friends who have small kids, will definitely not stay anywhere else since the kid is so fond of us. In our extended family, if anybody is faced with some kind of medical emergency, we are the only people they can count on, since all others are so busy with their children. I am not trying to argue that my choice is better than somebody else’s who has children, I am just pointing out how this works for me.

I hope you are also happy with the choices you have made in your life. Those choices may be acceptable by the society, or may be frowned upon, but what matters is you are happy with your choices and don’t feel burdened by them, what matters is these choices are working out for you.

Please share your thoughts, your comments  below.