A perfect whirlwind…..that’s what it is. For the past few months, my life has been totally spinning out of control. I was not living, I was just rushing from one day to the next, one hour to the next. I don’t like this mode of fast paced existence where I don’t have time to pause, time to breathe. One after another thing kept on coming and simply overwhelmed me. There were times I felt desperate, lonely, inadequate, impatient, angry and some other times when I felt excited, proud, accomplished. Almost all the time I felt tired, stressed and rushed. Needless to say I had no time to blog, because I had no time to pause and reflect. I don’t want to go into details of what all transpired that threw me into this vortex, but I do want to share some lessons that I learned, out of first hand realizations that I had during this time.
1. Power of love. Love is the most important thing to feel, during this limited time we have in this wonderful world. It does not matter who loves you, and how much. What remains with you is how much love you feel in your heart for others. This love that resides in you, gives you strength and assurance. In some difficult times that I had to go through recently, I surprised myself with my own strength. In an emergency (in the true sense of the word) I just needed to realize that somebody I love, is in a difficult situation, and needs my support. Rather than getting paralyzed with worry (which would have been the common response of most people in similar situation), I stopped thinking ahead, stopped thinking “what if” and focussed on what was unfolding before my eyes and what needed to be done at that moment. On retrospect, it turned out that I made some pretty crucial decisions during that time which took things in the right direction. I shudder to think what would have happened other wise.
Was I stressed? Hell, yes. I felt a tight knot in my stomach (really I could put my hand on it and feel the tightness) and totally dried up throat pipe…..these are physical symptoms of stress. But my mind was working with precision and never for a moment my mind allowed me to feel confused or scared. In that emergency situation, I felt in control. It was possible because of love. Nothing else mattered at that moment, just the simple truth that this person I love is in distress, and I just have to rise to the occasion and take charge. Because I can not bear to see someone I love, beaten down…nope…no way…wait for me, I am coming to stand by you, shoulder to shoulder, and we will deal with it. This love urged me on, gave me courage even when I should have been scared, kept me focussed in the present moment. After all was over, I marvelled at the limit to which our abilities can be stretched by this powerful emotion called love.
2. Many people we see around us, appear to be too full of themselves. They seem to be always after their own interests, and completely insensitive to the needs of others. I know many such people among my colleagues, my neighbors, my relatives, my other acquaintances. These people are all the time preoccupied with their own lives and just do not bother about anyone else. I never wanted to live like that. I always want to keep one part of myself ready for listening, helping with, taking interest in things that others may want to tell me. But in this last few months, I was so overwhelmed with things that I realized I am not left with anything to offer to another person. On multiple occasions it happened that when somebody is telling me about their own problems, I am thinking “I don’t want to deal with your negative emotions right now. Stop bugging me.” I was being selfish I know, but I was also feeling helpless about it. One day I was taking my brisk walk in the evening and one neighbor joined me on my walk and soon she was talking about some issues she was facing in her family. I listened to her but was resenting that I have to listen to this after my own long and hard day. I felt she was (unknowingly) drowning me with her own negative thoughts, as if I did not already have enough on my plate. I am not proud of these thoughts but they did cross my mind.
I know I don’t want to be like this. I want to step out of my own little world and actively communicate with other people. I want to actively feel what another fellow human being is going through, I want to listen with sympathy and kindness when someone is narrating me their problems. The impatience or irritation I felt was hopefully temporary and I am now consciously trying to get over it. I believe if a suddenly increased stress level has caused this response, then it is really temporary. I also believe that if I am thrown into this crazy whirlpool too often, again and again, then I will soon get the hang of it. I will learn to deal with this one-after-another-after-another… chain of stressful situations and still live my life where I am able to save a part of myself to respond in a meaningful way to what others are telling me. Most importantly, I realized that I have no right to judge those people who I think are “just too full of themselves”. I don’t know enough about their lives and what they are going through. May be they are so overwhelmed that they are unable to look beyond themselves.
3. I strongly believe that universe has a way of teaching us what we need to know. May be over the time I was slipping into a mode of being too judgemental? Then my own life started this crazy dance and I caught myself doing the exactly same thing as what I resent in others. I harshly judged some people as selfish, callous, insensitive and here I was, behaving exactly like them. I hope I never forget this.